Weird Sex Laws

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I’d heard a rumour that it is illegal to have sex in London on a parked motorcycle. Well, I wanted to know if it was true and whether the law applied to rooting on a speeding Suzuki so I did some research (again!). Guess what? It is illegal but look what else I found out.

Ancient Law

  • I used to live in Detmold, Germany where they had a law in 100AD that prostitutes where punished by suffocation in shit!
  • At the same time as the Teutons were drowning their working girls in dung, the Romans where crushing their rapists balls between stones.
  • In Pompeii (where Frankie Howerd lived) working girls had to dye their hair red, yellow or blue as a sort of permit to work.
  • Elsewhere in the world the Egyptians punished female adulterers by slicing their nose off. The Israelites stuck to good old-fashioned stoning.
  • The Greeks punished male adulterers by shaving their pubes and shoving a radish up their arse. (I know people who pay for that!)
  • In the middle ages anyone having sex with an animal in the UK could expect to be burnt at the stake along with the animal. (not sure I’d want anything from the carvery that day)
  • Until 1884 in the UK it was illegal to deny a husband sex

Around The World

  • In the Middle East you can have sex with a sheep but it is forbidden to eat its flesh afterwards. (Like you’d want to?)
  • In Lebanon you can have sex with animals as long as they are female. If you’re very very drunk and the animal turns out to be male the penalty is death.
  • In Bahrain a male doctor can examine a woman's bits but cannot look at them without a mirror.
  • In Guam some men have the enviable task of travelling the country-side to take the virginity of girls who then pay them! It is forbidden by law for virgins to marry.
  • A Hong Kong wife is allowed to kill her husband if he is an adulterer but has to use her bare hands (I reckon that would be fine by her)
  • In Colombia mother-in-laws must be present when a man has sex with his wife for the first time but in Lithuania a man can order his mother-in-law out of the house when he wants to make love to his wife.
  • In the Philippines the groom must have sex with his brides sisters before the wedding (I feel sorry for Cinderella's other half!)
  • Sex between a couple is banned in Latvia if you are arguing
  • A Cambodian husband is allowed to kill his wife’s lover if the act has taken place in his home. If it has taken place outside the home he is allowed to kill his wife instead
  • A man can be arrested in Kuwait for looking at a female statue lustfully
  • A man cannot refuse sex with his wife after two sex free weeks (What a BIG shame!!)
  • Austrian couples are allowed to be unfaithful for the first year of marriage
  • Sex is only to take place in the evenings in Romania
  • Don’t expect chilli sauce on your kebab if you’re in a Peruvian jail. The Government have banned it because of its ‘aphrodisiacal’ qualities. If however someone smuggles chilli into prison and you’re caught engaged in sodomy expect to be dragged through the streets on a rope, hung and burnt (Just mayo please)

The USA

  • Up until 1990 16 states banned the use of dildos
  • The only acceptable position in Virginia and Washington DC is missionary
  • In Ventura County dogs and cats require a license to have sex
  • A moose in forbidden to have sex on the streets of Fairbanks, Alaska (How do you read a moose its rights?!)
  • The lights must be off to have sex in Romboch, Virginia
  • A man is not allowed to fire a gun when his partner has an orgasm in Connorsville, Wisconsin
  • Women are forbidden to have sex in an ambulance in Tremonton, Utah. As an additional punishment her name appears in the local newspaper
  • A man cannot swear whilst having sex in Willowdale, Oregon (Thank you very much darling. That was awfully nice) His wife however, can say anything she f***ing chooses!
  • In Oblong, Illinois men are prevented from having sex whilst hunting and fishing on their wedding day
  • It is illegal to have sex smelling of garlic, onions or sardines in Alexandria, Minnesota if a woman requests the man brushes his teeth first.
  • A husband faces charges if he takes more than three gulps of beer laying in bed after sex in Ames, Illinois (Says nothing about Vodka!)
  • Dogging is a joy in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. A policeman must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times then wait two minutes before getting out of his car
  • Not so lucky in New Jersey where if you accidentally honk the horn you face jail
  • And if you happen to live in Clinton, Oklahoma and you have a quick one off the wrist whilst watching people having sex on the back seat at a drive in cinema you’ll be arrested.
  • Women in Cleveland, Ohio are hard pressed to find a shoe shop that sells patent leather shoes. Men are thought to be able to see a beaver in the reflection
  • In Skulbone, Tennessee any man found driving with the front of his trousers undone faces a $50 fine and 30 days in prison
  • Oral sex in South Dakota carries a ten year stint in jail and in Utah you can face six months and a $299 fine. The same crime carries seven to ten years in Rhode island, $5000 and a two to ten year stretch in New Mexico and god forbid you get caught in Florida… you ‘go down’ for twenty years!
  • Anal sex in Nebraska gets you twenty years and in Pennsylvania ten years hard labour and a $5000 fine. South Carolina gives $500 fine and five years prison whereas Maryland can give anything from a year to ten years
  • Cattle Creak in Colorado has an old law banning couples from sex in a river, stream or lake
  • A condom must be worn by law when having sex with Satan in Bakersfield, California

Is it any wonder the liberal swingers of the Middle East are against the Americans invading?

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